The past couple of weeks have been an emotional roller-coaster for me. God has been revealing a lot to me about myself and it has been difficult dealing with it. The truth has been hurting but I’m thankful because it’s been pointing me towards healing. A lot of my feelings have caused me to feel guilty. Feelings of loneliness have made me feel like I’m ungrateful for all God has done for me and blessed me with. Longing to be sought after in friendships, to be needed and to be helpful and the ways I attempt to fill the void have all been distractors from me dealing with the unpleasant root of those feelings. Even worse when I run to sin for comfort in the form of food and sexual immorality. Through prayer, literature, sermons on emotional health, advice from mature Christians and the Holy Spirit doing what it does best (reveal) I see that so much of my life has been a response to loneliness. I see now that God is not going to make it easy for me now that I know the truth. He is going to discipline his child because I am, and want to always be a legitimate child of God. The past couple of weeks when the lonely feelings come, he has been closing doors to the people I run to. He has put me in some lonely spots recently so that I can spend time with Him, so that He can teach me. If you don’t struggle with loneliness, the best way I can think of to describe it is feeling like you are alone because you are unwanted, unloved, not loveable. Wondering if I annoy people secretly, and constantly thinking of the things I need to change about myself that will make people want me around. Wondering if I come on too strong, wondering if I seem desperate. These feelings aren’t really rational either. When I’m in my right mind I know people love me and that I’m wanted around. It’s a separation anxiety. I can tell you when it started. When my parents divorced I became a latch key child that let himself in the house after school and spend a lot of time alone. I was raised by my Father and by the time I got to highschool we were more like room mates than father and son. Our rooms were on opposite sides of the house. We didn’t talk much and didn’t eat meals together. God allowed some talents to develop from my loneliness..mainly my creativity which included music, writing, and comedy. Satan was right there for sin to develop also in the form of emotional eating, and sexual immorality. It’s very encouraging to know that God has feelings, and we inherited those same feelings since we were created in his image. Even Jesus, when he was here on earth lived a life that makes me wonder if His emotional health and low self esteem was something that kept Him in prayer.
Isaiah 53:1-3 NIV
Who has believed our message and to whom has the arm of the Lord been revealed? He grew up before him like a tender shoot, and like a root out of dry ground. He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him. He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain. Like one from whom people hide their faces he was despised, and we held him in low esteem.
The Scriptures help me gain so much insight on my life as a Christian. I don’t have to feel guilty. I do need to recognize, confess the feelings and talk to God, go to God, RUN TO GOD about my feelings though. Satan sees these feeling and uses them to manipulate my mind and actions…like I’m a puppet. When I’m aware of and can define the feelings I have , i have the opportunity to hand the feelings over to God, who can make them work for my good and cut the strings the enemy uses to control me
Romans 8:28-30 NIV
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
God is an emotional God, but He is the master. He has all feelings and is able to remain merciful, righteous, just and forgiving; longing for a relationship with his children, longing to be united for all eternity with us. HE KNOWS HOW WE FEEL! HE KNOW HOW I FEEL!
Hebrews 4: 14-16
Therefore since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
Deuteronomy 31:8 NIV
The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
Now if I can just remember these things