I’m what many people might consider giving. I appreciate all of the encouragement, the words of affirmation handed to me because I don’t necessarily think highly of myself. I appreciate people lifting me up but hopefully not in a prideful, sinful way that doesn’t glorify God. God revealing to me more and more exactly how broken I am and the extent of my loneliness exposes another layer of deceit to my sinful nature. There are times when I’m lonely that I do things not because God has placed it on my heart to do, but because in my lonely and anxious state I felt the need to bribe someone for their time in the form of a good deed.
“If I cook for them randomly maybe they will start calling me and wanting to hang out more, and I will spend less time alone”
At my church and with my friends in general I have done this many times, unconsciously, and sometimes consciously . My homie Jeff used the term “Social Capital” to describe a suggestion he made to a group of new people he’s been getting to know. The suggestion didn’t go over well because he didn’t have enough “Social Capital”. It reminded me of myself and the ways that I attempt to increase my Social Capital. It’s a subtle form of manipulation and knowing how it feels very well to be manipulated by people..its something that I want to leave behind in my old life. When you accept the gift, the plate of food, little do you know, you are signing a contract that says you have to make time for me when I want you to, or you have to return the favor when I call on you for one. Of course this isn’t ever verbalized, but on my end a selfish expectation is formed and I am hurt when the expectation is not met.
“How dare you not hold to an agreement that only I knew about”
Realizing this has had in me in deep thought and I haven’t done intense self examining like this since I decided to become a Christian. BTW it will be 3 years April 14, 2017. A scripture that I dwell on occasionally is
Psalm 139: 23-24
Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
I’ve always looked at it in a way that speaks to me offending people, but as usual, here comes God shaking his finger at what I think like Dikembe Mutombo- “No No No”
The scripture is calling for God to reveal the sin that I can’t see..the sin that exist in my thoughts and feelings. The sin that I am great at hiding from people, but of course it is all laid bare before of God.
Lord, this is difficult, hands down the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but there’s no turning back.
These things weighing on my mind has been obvious to my homie/roommate but I haven’t been ready to talk about these things. It’s good for me to talk about it with people, but I like being able to speak coherently without emotions or any other interruptions, and that’s where my journal and this blog come into play. I don’t really broadcast this site. I will occasionally share a post with my close friends.It’s my therapy and I pray that people around the world seeking God stumble on this page through keywords on Google.
Thank you for taking time to read